Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints