that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
You Might Also Like
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Trying
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Breaking news:
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”