That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Ugh
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
