That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.