That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives