That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
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A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
