That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
You Might Also Like
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”