That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”