That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”