That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
sistine chapel
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
he chose this
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
consequences, the bane of my existence
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.