(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.