That gap in my resume is from when I was lost at sea.
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Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?