That gap in my resume is from when I was lost at sea.
You Might Also Like
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.