That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
yeah no that’s fair
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
😂😂😂
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea