Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.