That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]