Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

🐕🍷

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth