Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”