That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.