That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
why does this building look like a guilty dog
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Knock Knock
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.