That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
why isn’t he texting back
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN