Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Overindulged this afternoon.

Last-minute gift idea!

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

I hate my earbuds.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.