That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
this is the best interaction on twitter
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
NOT all policemen are strippers.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan