Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit