That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
You Might Also Like
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
absolute chaos
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers