That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
How to make infinite energy.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.