That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
When you let grandma cat sit
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
step 6: release the wall snake
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?