That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school