Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?