That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.