That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.