That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
This chloroform smells expensiv…
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.