That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Nice try Hitler
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.