Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Beards are a privilege, not a right

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Be vigilant

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*