Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for