Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

The Compass

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

🗽

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.