Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

bad news gang

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

I’d … I’d rather not.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.