That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”