That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do