That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
ew if literal: let me be clear
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
