Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

early stone age tool

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.