that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Passwords are more important than ever.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.