Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count