That lamp looks PISSED.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
2024 has been a rough few years
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline