That lamp looks PISSED.
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
i love meeting boys on tinder
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.