That lamp looks PISSED.
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
is this a threat
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now