That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.