Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

im 7 sauces long

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Home #decor warning.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.