That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
me:lmao I saw it on Twitter
them: what’s your Twitter
me: I don’t have Twitter
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS