– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
