– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
guys I’m going home
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
