that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.