Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

This is so me 😂😂

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!