that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Succinctly put.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Personal question. #JustSaying
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.