that lip filler tho
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.