that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
You Might Also Like
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?