that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*