That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!