That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
sigh
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
first you must answer his riddles
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?