Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.