“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.