Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

March 16

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

starting a garage orchestra

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.