“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.