“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.