“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes![]()
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Wolves should really raise more people.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂