Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

This will never not be funny to me.

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.