Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.