Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”