That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*