Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
*clouds turn to fire*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!