@WICKEDTRUTH01

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

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@AimeeHelene1

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

@TommyKarate

Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.

@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

@1Happytwit

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

@lmwortho

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

@clichedout

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!