Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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Best correction of the day, if not ever:
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late
I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[doctor gets job as 911 operator]
“What’s your emergency?”
MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE
“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit