@WICKEDTRUTH01

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

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@causticbob

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

@Marcmywords2

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

@HushJared

I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

@Chumpstring

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

@NicestHippo

[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”