That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

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