That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch