That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.